Around 9 p.m. on a cool summer Friday evening…
After powering through endless hours in the night labs and mulling about our career prospects, the last class of the academic year has ended. Finally, it is time for us to celebrate.
We decked our corporate office cubes like it’s a high school festival – each group with a different personality – Pearl Market Cottagecore, DJ Fortnite Booth, Beach Gyaru Festival, Chinese Fishball Soup Stall, Office Sirens, Spiked Salsa Shots, Jello Shots & Evangelion Photo Booth, Karaoke Booth, etc. The sheer range and creativity amazed me. Everyone spent so much time and effort into it, too: home-baked strawberry tarts, melon soda drinks, home-cooked soup, cosplays, full-beat makeup. It was just so joyous to look around.
I immediately upped 3-4 drinks from every booth I came across – I have not drunk in a while and tonight was just the perfect night. I had just done putting makeup on my friends for their crossdress Evangelion cosplays, then ran to get ready for our Beach Gyaru soda booth. People started trickling in, and the party was warming up.
Between then and 2 hours later, I only remembered stumbling through every booth, giving compliments, and greeting everyone I saw. I gripped my little digital camera by my wrist – I knew that once I turned sober, I would like to have tangible memories of this moment.
We drank, we shotgunned, we karaoke our lungs out to ‘cringy’ music, we posed a ludicrous amount in front of any camera aimed at us. We laughed. We screamed.
Then, around 11 p.m., things got a lot more sentimental. This is how I knew all of us got really, really drunk. People started hugging each other. Holding hands and grabbing shoulders, letting each other know how much they value their friendships.
“I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!”
“WE SHOULD HANG OUT MORE, I LOVE BEING WITH YOU!”
“I’VE ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU’RE THE COOLEST PERSON IN THE WORLD!”
“I LOVE YOU GUYS!”
Here and there, my classmates ran to me just to hug me tight and then told me how much they loved me and appreciated me, which brought me to an incoherent sob because their loving words charged straight into my heart. Then I started doing it, too. That night, seeing so much love being thrown around so courageously, so freely, it made me cry nonstop.
How did it come to be? How did we grow into an appreciation for one another? How had the pressure of the unknown future and the day-to-day hum and drum school and home, home, and school nurtured our bond? How come only now, that I realized I loved you so much? How come only now, that I know how much you think of me, too? How did we get here, and how come we only appreciate that, now, when 3 years have gone by?
The alcohol gave me a hangover, but it also gave me the courage to see clearly: that love exists. It has always been there, hidden in our efforts to do good and be good for ourselves, and for one another. Love was baked in the strawberry tart that Hazel made. Love was weaved in the gyaru outfit that Liz, Amarise, and Kirsten spent hours styling. Love was melted in the pink heart-shaped spoon that Kirsten had bought. Love was printed in the large-scale photo booth that Asher, Vince, and Lune labored over. Love was steamed with that delicious fish bowl soup Nico, Rita, Ares, Kyou, Jaimi, and Ivy made. Love was in every nook and cranny that I looked at.
When we had the courage, even if only for a moment, even if only it was under the influence, the moment that we could, we shouted out how much we loved each other. And I cried, realizing that if only I had been braver, I could have done that even when I was sober. I realized that I would like to be able to love more courageously, more openly, and more freely.
I want to throw my love out to the world, to anyone I could ever meet. I want to let them know that I appreciate them, that I have faith in them, and that every day I pray that they will be happy and healthy. I want to vocalize it, and put it into words and sentences.
This is a promise I’m making to myself, and to everyone I’ve known and haven’t known: I promise that I will love like how we loved at that end-of-year party. I will love, I will love boundlessly, and I will be vocal about it. I will make sure you know how much I love you.
